I took a "day off" yesterday to refinish some furniture. While I was redoing this baby dresser
my husband was manning the shop, and writing my next blog post.
So for my first guest-celebrity blog, I would like to introduce a man unlike any other. A man who once claimed to fight crime on the weekends. No cape, but yes he can achieve flight (he claims capes to lack aerodynamics). I am speaking of a man with male pattern baldness and a penchant for all things preposterous. Some may know him as my husband. Others know him by his birth name. Either way, he has been recently compelled to grace my blog with nonsense. Without further adieu, my husband…
Hello People of the Dark Reaches. I have a child, T, and she is almost 10 months old, and is unable to crawl, walk, or speak English. Thank you Jesus for another day of freedom! I frequently think on the day when she will be able to complete any of these tasks and wonder how I will be able to have time to eat and go to the bathroom. As it stands, my wife and I are already wrapped around this baby human’s finger. When she goes mobile, I envision my life to be that of a zombie’s, chasing her around mindlessly and gorging food in the small windows of time allotted by her distraction of shiny objects. I do not think she needs sleep like most babies. Three in the morning is when most of the battles are fought. The baby always wins. Stop by. We are usually the ones crying, while our daughter is cackling between us in bed. In thinking about the future, I hope she learns to speak first. At least then, I can negotiate about life after crawling/walking. The negotiation would go as follows:
Mediator: “Mr. Deane, Miss Little Deane, we are here today to achieve a common goal. Sanity. I would like to be first in saying we are all on the same team. Nothing is unachievable with two hearts set on compromise.”
T: “Who is this person? How bout you change my diaper and I will compromise by peeing on your arm up to just your elbow.”
Tony: “T, focus. Remember the promise? At 3 am last night, you promised me you would sit through this if I let you pull Jordan’s hair in her sleep.”
T: “I have the attention span of a goldfish in those moments of compromise.”
Mediator: “At least there is a willingness to compr….”
T: “Looking at this mediator’s face makes me want to swallow a nickel.”
Tony: “Moving on…T, as you know, I would like to discuss the terms of your behavior after you take your first steps.”
T: “I promise to only light things on fire that have already been designated as garbage, IF you tell me the secret of how to open the child-locked kitchen cabinets. Then, I demand full access to said cabinets at my discretion.”
Tony: “Absolutely not! How bout this? IF you promise to stand still and not move one step for an hour or two when I am tired or hungry, I will give you the physical address to Santa Claus’s storage unit.”
T: “I am no idiot. Santa Claus doesn’t need storage. Everybody knows he has his elves build carports in the summer for storage.”
Tony: “Do we have a deal?”
Pause
T: “Fine! If I have it right, I promise to light the kitchen cabinets on fire and stand still for 2 hours watching everything burn. In exchange, you will give up all intel on Saint Nick’s whereabouts.”
Tony: In a defeated tone, “Yes. That’s right.”
T: “Now pay this mediator, so I can pee on his arm. I keep my word!”
While the details may change in time, this is how life as a parent seems to go. I don’t know. I am new at this, and I wouldn’t change it for the world!
